On Being an “Only”
You know that meme where it’s a POV of sitting in the back of a classroom and all the other students are looking back at you? Usually it’s captioned with some sort of self-destructive humor like “Alright class, today we’re going to talk about alcohol and its effects on the human body” or something like that and it’s funny because you’re a savage and you party hard. I’ll probably toss the meme below this section so we’re on the same page.
The first thing that comes to mind when I see that is any class unit where there was something East Asian involved. If there was an East Asian character in a reading or video, a unit on a portion of East Asian history, or even if something like Chinese food was mentioned, there were always eyes turned around on me with a “You see that?” type of face. This was because often times I was the only East Asian in a room.
Some of you might have read that last paragraph and the term “East Asian” jumped out at you. Maybe you wondered why I didn’t just say Asian? Well, in short I’d say the image or idea of “Asian” to a lot of folks, especially in America, correlates with “East Asian” while folks from other parts of the continent are often either forgotten or underrepresented at a more extreme rate. It’s a lot to unpack, and we’ll be posting about things like colorism, racism, representation, etc. within the Asian community itself at a later date. To be transparent it’s something I still need to learn more about to feel comfortable posting, and would also very much like to collaborate & involve folks from those backgrounds too on the post (if you’re interested DM us!). For now, just log in your mind that “East Asian” is more likely than not the “Asian” image you are fed, but there are a bunch of other groups within the Asian community that get treated very differently and it’s a problem. Also know that in the rest of this post, I use the terms East Asian and Asian very intentionally depending on what I’m talking about.
I grew up in Newton, MA about fifteen minutes west of Boston. As of 2010, Newton’s Asian population (not just East Asian) was reported to be 13% of the city, compared to the 80% White. This is cool when you look at the rest of the data and see Asians in Newton are the only reported group in the city to be represented at a rate above their Massachusetts and United States buckets. Some people might see this and assume Newton is very Asian compared to other cities. I guess if you define being “very Asian” as seeing a random Asian face here and there or a few Asian restaurants, sure that’s true; but by no means are we swinging from pagodas and walking on air like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (a masterpiece of a movie if you haven’t seen it). Growing up it was still often the case that I was the only East Asian person in the room, and with many of my white counterparts the only East Asian they interacted with outside of ordering crab rangoons or general gao’s chicken from Lobster Wok (a classic Chinese takeout place in Newtonville I’d highly recommend).
It can be an odd thing to be the “only” or one of the “only’s” in your environment, especially if you have been in that environment your whole life and you don’t blend in by appearance (in my case I am most definitely not white passing). On one hand you have a lot of pride in being that “only”. People probably know who you are or at least recognize you since you stick out, there’s a decent chance you have stuff around the house that your friends won’t see at any other friend’s house that you can teach them about (for me it was a Guan Gong and Guan Yin statue among other things), and for some folks you have a lot of pride in being the “only” because you feel like you’re representing for other people that look like you whether they know you exist or not. On the other hand, there is the desire that so many of us feel to be a part of the group coupled with hopelessness knowing you won’t ever be fully there, simply because of what you look like. People naturally identify and group based on visual cues from a young age. This fragile state of “being a part of the group but not really” sits in the back of your head waiting to throw you off your groove any time an “incident” happens. I’ll give you an example of what I mean by “incident”-
On Halloween a few years ago my friends and I went out as a rough & tough band of motorcyclists. This is funny because we are not rough, and we are most definitely not tough (nor can we ride motorcycles). I’m not a huge Halloween guy, but one of my friends really loves it so I saddle up and try my best to get in the spirit every year in the hopes he has a good time. I’m also not a huge going out guy, and this year we went out around Faneuil Hall which is an area in Boston that has a bunch of bars, so I’m a little out of my comfort zone but I’ve got a few drinks in me and I’m finally settling into the night. We hop out of the Uber and are walking towards the bar. Less than a minute in we pass by a group of white guys, about early twenties. One looks at me then turns to his buddy and says “nice outfit Jackie Chan”. They share a nice laugh at my expense. Boston - what a lovely city and dubbed one of the most educated in the country. Yes, I would kill to be the legendary stuntman and international superstar that is Jackie Chan and will be writing an appreciation post for him later, but something about these guys and the way they said it seemed a bit ~hostile~. This five second max interaction was enough to derail the groove I had spent literally days preparing my mind for. I wasn’t even mad about the comment, things like that happen enough, but you never really get over the distraction factor I guess (if you haven’t seen Dave Chappelle’s “Killin’ Them Softly” stand up he has a great line where he says “You ever have something happen to you that was so racist, you’re not even mad you’re just like damn that was racist!”, that’s pretty much this). Instead of being able to seamlessly slide back into the mood of the night, my mind went to two places-
Random other “incidents” from the past kept popping up in my head and I was reliving each one briefly over and over again.
Scanning around the crowd of all white faces trying to catch someone looking at me so I could get ahead of the next Jackie Chan comment. At that moment in time, I felt all white eyes in Faneuil Hall were on me. Even with everyone having crazy costumes on, I stuck out.
At the same time my friends are calling me over to take a picture so we’d have a memory of what would hopefully be a great night together. I walk over, only taking my eyes off the crowd for a second so I don’t run into anyone, and we take the photo. We look damn good. The rest of the night my mind doesn’t wander too far. Always scanning, always ready for the next comment, always paranoid and reliving those memories.
We look damn good
That Jackie Chan comment was from a complete stranger, and like I mentioned they happen all the time. Going back to being the “only” in your home environment, you naturally have to get used to “incidents” involving people who might not be strangers too. Maybe it’s someone you don’t know but see a lot around town, or maybe it’s someone you’re close with. I was told many times growing up by white folks, even my own best friends, that I was the whitest Asian person they knew. There was usually a genuine smile on their face when they said it because it was meant as a compliment. I’d typically say thanks or make a joke in response, but it was mostly to advance the conversation to something else. In my mind, I knew it was not something I wanted to be dubbed, but didn’t quite know what to do or say to get that across. Last year I read an incredible medium post by a man named Ramesh Nagarajah who coincidentally went to school in Weston, MA very close to Newton, where he reflects on being the “only” Black friend amongst his peers. This excerpt from his post captures the exact emotions and essence of an interaction like this:
“Then there are the instances most white people will recognize, though they probably never knew how damaging their words were. Every token black friend can recall the times when a white friend chooses to dub you “the whitest black kid I know.” It’s based on the way I speak or dress or the things I’m into, and it’s a comment on me not fitting the image they have of a black person. When I resist accepting such a title, the white person claims it’s a compliment — as if the inherent superiority of whiteness should leave me honored to be counted among their ranks.
More impactfully, it suggests that my blackness is something that can be taken from me. That my identity as a black man fades because I am into John Mayer or I’ve visited the Hamptons. And further, it assumes that my black identity is not something I am proud of. It ignores the fact that the acculturation and assimilation I experienced growing up with all white friends was not voluntary. It suggests that my blackness is a burden, when in fact, minimizing my blackness was most often my burden. Another example: when I am criticized by my white friends for code-switching when I am with my black friends, just because they don’t understand the slang and how it connects black people to a common culture.”
All of this hit home, and I can’t thank him enough for putting these thoughts into words that describe it so well.
I have never wanted to be white, or the whitest Asian anyone knows. I understand the perks I’d have if I were white. I wouldn’t have to deal with things like not bringing leftovers to school because it would distract others by being “too Chinese”, the insecurity of East Asian men being emasculated in American culture, and maybe confronting racism as a white person would have me viewed as a brave, woke, educated person rather than a whiny, victimized minority who is being too dramatic. But damn, I fucking LOVE being Chinese. I love that people consider our words art and tattoo the equivalent of “water” on their skin because it looks so beautiful (you should learn more about our culture though for real because we roast you for it). I love that for whatever reason when all my cousins were toddlers and were play-fighting they’d naturally start in a little kung fu pose even though they’d never seen a movie before. I love weekend dim sum and hearing all the chatter from the ladies pushing the carts. I love whenever I was full before the food was gone at restaurants I’d be encouraged to at least eat the meat. I love going to the cemetery during Qingming / Hangsan to pay respects to our ancestors, and bringing a massive feast to eat and party there.
The graves of my great grandparents and the amount of food we bring to the cemetery for Qingming. When the older family members ran it we’d get whole pigs and chickens from Chinatown. Now that the younger folks run it it’s more fast food. Also this was posted by my sister back when Instagram was still figuring out editing pictures and stuff and I find this hilarious.
It’s interesting too when I think about my Asian friends and the conversations we’ve had. They’ve actually said the exact same thing to me. “You’re the whitest Asian person I know” but instead of a genuine smile because it’s a compliment, it’s a genuine smile because they are poking fun at me. I got absolutely flamed the other day for liking tuna casserole and saying how often I eat spaghetti and meatballs (I will die on this hill, they are both delicious). In that sense though, it’s more light-hearted and meant as an indirect way of encouraging each other to investigate and embrace our own heritage more.
If you have a friend that is the “only” in your environment, I’d encourage you to do a few things:
Be aware if your friend seems triggered by one of these “incidents” from a stranger. If they are, ask them what you can do to help them get back into their comfort zone. Could be nothing, but they’ll appreciate you asking.
If you are the cause of an “incident” to a friend, your friend likely knows you meant no harm (depending on how bad you messed up). Allow them whatever time they need to regroup, apologize even though they might say it’s fine, then do your best to learn about what you did and why exactly it was an issue. Some things can be pretty nuanced, and some things that trigger one person may not be the same for others.
Lastly, if they propose you all do something related to their background (for example me being Chinese I am always hoping my friends would want to go out for dim sum), do it. If it sounds like something outside of your comfort zone, let your friend know and they can likely make adjustments to help you feel more at home. Your “only” friend has likely been outside of their own comfort zone way more often than you have been so they have an idea what that feels like.
All they really want to do is share their culture with you just like you have with them, and for brief period of time escape the “incidents” that come with being an “only”.
